女生的标准

哈咯～今天艾微想要来大势宣泄一番……为和我一样的女生打抱不平。
现今社会里，有两种女生。
一种就是大家心目中的女生：美丽、大方、高雅、穿裙子、蕾丝、细心、有甜甜的笑容、长头发、体贴、温柔、娇滴滴的……
而另一种女生就是像我一样的女生：普普通通、行为大剌剌、爱大笑、对衣着没有讲究、粗心大意、潇洒
你是哪一种呢？
大部分女生会说，我是第二种。可是你真的是第二种吗？我不化妆，如果没有必要一定不会画；我衣柜里的衣服只有三件裙子，其他的都是裤子；我上班的衣服就那几件；我讨厌死了手提袋，麻烦、小小个的都装不下什么东西；我讨厌死了高跟鞋，又不舒服、又不方便；我讨厌死了裙子，走路要斯斯文文的、又不能利落整理事情。

其实社会的标准就是觉得为什么你是女生，你不能像别人一样：斯文一点、文静一点。整天蹦蹦跳跳的、这里一个伤、那边一个伤是怎样。我男朋友、我朋友、我父母，没有一个觉得我这个个性是OK的。每个人都觉得你一个女生，怎么个男孩子一样。

像男孩子怎么了？为什么女孩子就要斯斯文文的？
由古至今，女生被灌输必须要相夫教子。可是各位，现在是21世纪了……难道男人就么有责任教育孩子吗？为什么男人总是要吧他们传统的思想管套在女人的身上？不，应该是说为什么不管男人女人都觉的女人应该怎样怎样怎样，不应该怎样怎样怎样？
当一个家庭有了小三的侵入，大家都只批评小三说她不检点、勾引男人。难道男人没有错吗？这些东西一个巴掌拍不响的。在指指点点的过程中，小三被人批、正是也被人批说一定是满足不了自己的老公所以老公才出去偷吃。那请要怎样才可以满足自己的老公？男人出去拈花惹草，为什么错的都是女人？

回到这个话题……
妈妈和男朋友都觉的，你不能画一点装吗？你不能小心一点、温柔一点、斯文一点吗？
为什么我要啊？这样的女生满街都是，去外面找就好了啊！
我一直以来就是自豪自己不一样。可是渐渐的发现自己好像真的糊涂了一点所以想改进一点。可是不管我怎样想改进，我就是改不了。我很累，我时常问自己为什么我的个性要这样？为什么别人不能接受我就是这样？

为什么每一个人都要我变成那一个不化妆不出门、穿着高跟鞋、穿着裙子、提着小包包优雅滴踩着脚步前进的女生？
为什么我不能就是哪一个套了个T恤、短裤、帆布鞋、有着钱包锁匙手机就出门的女生？
为什么那些女生才是女生？为什么要我变成和他们一样？
每个人口里说着：我不介意，我不是要你变成和他们一样。
其实要求的就是那一些我们永远都做不到、我们讨厌的事情。

我不是要你精心打扮，只是要你穿着得体。怎么样才是得体？我穿着衬衫，工作裤，平底鞋不得体了吗？
我不是要你天天化妆，只是偶尔画一些。什么是偶尔？上班吗？我一个星期上5天班，5天是偶尔吗？
我不是不让你洒脱，还是让你多照顾自己一些。我怎么不照顾自己了？我受伤了不都是自己擦药吗？我发烧了，不都是自己吃药、喝水自救吗？
我不是让你温柔，只是让你不要那么大剌剌的。不大剌剌不就是要我去care吗？
我不需要你和别的女生一样，做你自己就好了。那你就不要对说我不够细心、不够体贴、不能照顾自己、糊涂、忘东忘西、不自律的这些事情了嘛！

我觉得社会让我讨厌我自己，我越来越不知道自己去了哪里了。
我做自己错了吗……？

不哭

其实今天选这首歌没有任何意义，纯粹只是因为它的名字——《相信》
最近我又开始犯了老毛病，我开始过度敏感……
我开始怀疑、开始害怕、开始不快乐。
我开始怀疑身边的朋友是不是不喜欢我，
我开始怀疑自己其实不过是他们可以利用的工具。
有事的时候就往我这里奔，每事的时候就当着没有看到我。
我最近还感觉自己渐渐失去了一个好朋友……
是我自己多疑了吗？
是，我不快乐。我想哭……但是我告诉自己，无论如何都不可以哭。
不可以脆弱，不可以倒下。
我感觉到非常不安……
可是又可以怎样呢？
自己本身就很多缺点，也不是每一个人都可以接受。
乖，不哭……一切会过去的，我告诉自己……
我害怕相信，因为我害怕被背叛……
但是我只能相信吗？
谁可以告诉我，我其实是可以相信他的……

Sometimes that one person is more than enough...

Good evening, and I'm you Feelings FM DJ... As usual, Ivy.

The song of the day would be... Here, I Dreamed A Dream from Les Miserables, violin cover by Jun Sung Ahn. I hope you like it... It is a beautifully played song...

Today's theme as stated above and I know not much people are interested when they see my title since it's not like the others post... FOOD~ OKOK, chill.. Wait till I find something special then I'll do some food review again... I can't be posting MCD food review right? Haha.

Anyway, some thoughts have been bugging me these few days. Guess is the weather? Or maybe the stress coming up for exams? Or maybe I'm thinking too much? Well, I really do not know which is which really... I've been feeling quite EMO for the past two weeks and I still cannot get over it. I wonder why but I think I know the reason... I'm too dependent on others...

I saw a post from my friend's blog: Moi et N'importe Quo... Although the title is in French, but trust me... The content is mostly in English. Well, basically I saw this post and I smiled... Because at least there is someone I know who are not really close with me knows me better than my good friends do. I'm not trying to compare here but yeah... He still understands it albeit not much who I really am. 

Things have been quite bad for me these few weeks. Due to stress in examination and my own thinking, I get all the mood sways out of nowhere. This moment I can be super active, next moment my feeling was like sliding down the cliff. I do not know who I really am in my surroundings now as I don't seem to fit in after... well, almost one and a half years. Loneliness is always there and I shouldn't be showing and telling it to anyone but myself. 

Sometimes, we just need someone to talk to but it's just that no one is there. I just look up and saw that my friends are all ahead of me and I'm still taking my slow step behind. People think differently and people judge others differently. I'm not really the welcomed type of person and usually, people would just hate me from the very first moment they saw me. I just portray myself as being arrogant, maybe? 

Today, I posted a status on FB: "Sometimes loneliness makes you realize who you really are and what your surrounding look like... and then makes you feel that you rather be lonely..."

That's what came across my mind at that very moment. I'm afraid of a lot of things and I'm actually a big coward. I like extreme sports because that's the only way I can get hurt and reminds me that I'm actually still alive with all the things around me and to be contented of everything. I'm scared but I cannot find another way to push away the fright I have in me... 

I do not expect anyone to understand what I'm going through for two reasons:

1. Every individuals have their own thinking and no one would understand what others are going through.

2. Me, myself do not know what and why I'm having all the emo moments and loneliness and sadness.

No one understands and no one will... Sometimes I just feel sad for no reason or maybe there is a reason and I do not know why. 

And so, this should end because everyone would get bored and think that I'm a paranoid or so. The one thing that I always tell myself is no one will pity you and no one will be there when problem arises. The most trustworthy person is you and yourself. But sometimes that one person who understands would be more than enough and I'm glad that he described it well... Yes, I am active and lively from the outside but at the inside I'm a sentimental person... 

Well, life's never easy... Tomorrow is a new day and it means a new start. Neh?

Ready, Set, GO~!

A very pleasant night to those who are reading or wanting to read my blog. As usual, I'm your Feelings FM DJ, Ivy. Tonight's song would be Stay by Rihanna:


It had not been quite my time recently. I have been wandering around the maze of life trying to get hold of something which I do not know what it is actually.








I took this picture last week when I was on my way back into my condo in KL

When I saw this light shining through the gaps between the pillars, I stood there and look at the sunlight. It was very dazzling but at that very moment, it was like something to me. Something which I've always been searching for.

Since I came to KL, things have not been getting on smoothly. First I was ditched by my only friend in KL for I don't know whatever reason; Then I end up being antisocial in class, staying up all alone. Next I slacked in my studies... So it goes on and on...

In fact, things had been really depressing lately when exams are coming in 57 days and my room mate can never stop annoying me.

Well, I should say from this I learnt some real and true friends. I had a talk with my mom and she gave me another option but I hesitated. It's not that I like KL, in fact I never liked KL... But my friends here, the lecturers here... Those are the reason which makes my want to stay.

I remember one of my friend saying, "Ivy, don't go la!"
I remember one of my course mate saying, "You wanna transfer a? Why?"
I remember one of my bro saying: "You sure ah?"
I remember one of them saying: "As long as the problem is solved, you don't have to move right?"

A few of them volunteered to look out for rooms for me. I even met someone who told me today, "If it's really annoying, you can come over my place to study. My room mate is off till end of this month for study break so no problem. Just give me a text any time."
To say the truth, I'm touched and happy and glad and contented that I meet them.

I was such an antisocial person until I came into this class and I started having more and more friends. Some are Hi Bye friends, some I never talk to, some are study mates but nevertheless every one of them treat me well. I never regretted meeting them. I never regretted open up my heart and feelings to them.

I'm really sorry for the stress I've been through. Breaking down is so NOT ME, but I did last week in class itself. Some of them saw it but they gave me some support and ya, it was really helpful.

Today's status on FB：
I thank all my friends and course mates (this is targeted to them but here I add on, my parents and family) who are concerned about what I'm going through. Thank you for giving me advice and finding an alternative way for me to study under these undesirable circumstances. And I thank HER sincerely for inviting me over to study when it's convenient. Thank you so much. I'll try my best for the exam. Let's fight.

I learnt something... I learnt that there are people who hates me and there are people who loves me for who I am. I do not have to waste time on those who hates me... All I need to do is to appreciate those who loves me, those who supported me, those who accept me for who I am and what I do. Even one day things might change, there is still a 'once upon a time' leaving in my memories within...

Now it's time to get ready for a total boost and rush for examinations. 57 days to go and counting. Let's get ready. Let's pass our exams and meet again next year. Let's finish the whole course and graduate together!

ON YOUR MARK, READY, SET.... GO!!!