A day Alone...

Feeling the vibration of the Xperia Arc lying on the "Breaking Dawn" beside my pillow, I opened my eyes. The damp and freezing atmosphere around the room send a chill down my spine. At a sudden thought, I thought that there was no one else in the room beside me... Everything around me seemed to came to a standstill.

It was not until I heard the creaking sound as I moved a bit on my bed 2 seconds later. Picked up the phone, I heard my mom's voice. It was unusual to see her name on the phone at this time of the day. Ya, I forgot. Normally this time of the day I'm either in class or at home. Today? OK, the first day of Raya break.

"Hello." I answered the phone. I can feel that my mom is worried about me as I felt quite sick two days ago. After finish the phone call... I throw my phone back to where it is(on top of my "Breaking Dawn" ) and went back to bed. The next time I open my eyes it was already 10.05am.

Took a slow breakfast, a warm water bath and I went back to college to pick up a book I left in the locker. It was drizzling, and I open my umbrella. Having know that all of my friends were busy, I'm already prepared to past the day alone.

I went back to the hostel, watch an episode or two of the new drama my room mate gave me and pack my things to go for lunch. After lunch, I stepped into my favorite coffee shop... (Yea, you're right... Starbucks) to settle down and start studying.

This day alone made me think a lot. The cloudy weather made my mood sway. It is never more comfortable having jazz music swaying by your ears, rich coffee smell on the tip of your nose and the warm but yet cool atmosphere that Starbucks has as always.

Sitting alone on the couch, I look through the glass windows... The road in Penang is still as busy as always, with cars driving through continuously... Maybe I'm the one who cannot face the reality of this world. Maybe I should just give everyone a break. It seems everyone get stress out and starting to hate me whenever I talk.

A giggle is all I can give... It is hard to be strong when you are not, it is hard to put a smile on your face when you feel sad, it is hard when you try your best to make someone happy and in the end you make him/her felt worse. Sometimes giving a smile doesn't mean that I don't care and sometimes although I'm smiling, the pain within is never seen by anyone.

As time past, we will see that no one will remember there was this girl that once came into their life. I rather live that way, maybe somewhere in me felt hurt but somewhere in me felt that maybe the way I live will make me take things easier and maybe I could've just live happier?

Maybe sometimes in this busy world, we need to slow down our pace... To take a look at everyone around you.

A day alone... Really made me think a lot. Taking the last sip of my Cappuccino, I type this last sentence... I'm no one but a passerby... as usual...

Feelings that came suddenly...

[Pic taken from: http://www.xoases.net/]

It had been a whole day rain... I like the rain, but sometimes rain significant depression and sadness... Sometimes, even Loneliness.

It is never ever lonely when you walk home alone in the drizzling rain. The drops of freezing rain fall on your warmth (37 degrees) skin. A feeling shot me suddenly, hoping to see someone... Hoping someone beside me...

I had been weak since I was a baby... It is somehow hard for me to get healthier until I went to secondary school when I grew tall and higher... In everyone's eyes, I'm always the smallest one, the one that will never grows up. Maybe that's what I want to be?

I hate myself as I grow. I hate this world which is full of darkness. Fighting to live, making use of others to get what we want, Struggling to be at the top most, getting scold and humiliated to earn a living. This is not what humans meant to be.

I saw a quote two days ago when I open "Breaking Dawn" by Stephanie Meyer.

"Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age.

The child is grown, and puts away childish things,

Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies."

-------------------- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Maybe I wanted to be in this kingdom. I'm afraid of darkness, I'm afraid of dead. It is even worse when I was force to say:"Yes, I'm afraid of loneliness. I'm afraid to be alone." There is only 0-0.02% of the world population who will be there for you when you give them a call telling them:"Help.". There is only 0-0.01% who will be there for you when you call them telling them:"I'm lonely." and there is only 0-0.00002% who will be there for you when you call them and say:"I'm in trouble."

Standing at the balcony of my hostel, looking at the rain... Raindrops falls on my palm... Feeling the coldness of the rain and the cooling breeze, I shuddered. I felt lonely, really lonely although I love the rain. Sometimes, feelings just come when you see couples kissing; grandpa and grandma holding hands; a child running around his loving parents.

SOmetimes, a sort of unspoken and indescribable feeling just come and you sort of like... felt lonely and cold... and hoping the one you wish to see is just right beside you...

There is something.

[Images taken from:www.casavaria.com]

Whenever we say there is nothing, it indicates something. The something is...There IS something happen...

After knwing my mom's health condition, I have been emotionally unstable. I just needed someone to talk to where it seems quite impossible to find one. Looking out in the rainy compound... the skies turn dark and it became heavier...

The atmosphere turn chilly and the chill actually frost through my spines. I know, I need something to rationalize myself... I know I need something to make myself awake. Without second thoughts, I went into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Without turning on the heater, I let the freezing water flow down my skin. I need to be awake...

The cold and icy water hit bit by bit onto the skin, that makes me wake a bit... At least, a bit... I know if I weren't inside the cold water, I will definitely cry out. I am not that strong as some of my friends know. I'm just a normal person. I have feelings...

Maybe I need to realise the reality that I must be like the way I should be... But right now, I know that I can't... Just can't...

Just some memories...

Just now, I went to Facebook(which most of us will go once we open our internet browsers)... I went to a friend's profile, just to check out how is she lately. And a sudden thought flew past my mind.

I have not seen her since... I don't know(counting)... April? Or May? And it just came to me that I missed her a lot. Everything started when I went to secondary school where I got no friends and everything is a new start. It then when I became a prefect and get to know a group of friends. Eight of us, we stayed up as a prefect until Form 5 and we really go through a lot...

Sometimes, thinking back of the past... I tend to start musing and imagine... I wonder if there is real friendship in this world. Despite the fact that most people treat you good just because they wanted your help, there are at times of our lives we met a real friend... I got betrayed when I was in secondary school and that made me not believing anyone but myself. But I cannot deny that sometimes, I needed a friend there for me.

There is a chinese saying, At home, we depend on our parents. Outside, we depend on our friend. But how true is this? Can we always depend on friends? After coming to college, I saw many types of people. And I felt lucky having a few of them by my side till now.

Jin Hee(the girl in the pic)... She's a Korean. This girl, she is a very special girl. She always thinks that she is not important and she always felt that everyone is abandoning her. Despite the fact that she is bad-tempered at times and scolding Korean:"%^$&@*!%#*#^..." which I could not understand, she is indeed a very nice and friendly girl... She is someone who you will left out in life... But she tried her very best to blend in with the others. This is what I like about her. She, although a bit hot tempered... Has a very unique personality.

P.S: SHe is a taekwando Black Belt... Don't mess around with her... Not good for health... XD

Abigail... This girl I mentioned her before... She is a role model, a tutor. She is the one which you won't hate and will always stay energetic when being with her. She is a very smart and intelligent girl and she is a perfectionist. Wanting to get everything right the first time... Girl, sometimes a repeat act is to let you gain experience... XD... Anyway, she is somewhat another unique kind of person. SHe just have the charisma which attract everyone to her... Adorable at times, especially when she always say "Pick-a-Boo". A very socialize girl. It is amazing how she can talk spontaneously in front of everyone...

P.S: I can only describe her as..PHAT~!!! Pretty, Hot, Attractive & Tempting... Oh, I forgot... Fabulous... also...

Lastly, Jon... This kind of people is one which we seldom meet in life also. How to say? He has a good side of him and of course a not quite good side of him. The good thing is... He is a guy, with very kind-hearted. He never remember what people did to harm him. A very innocent kind of guy which always smiles and makes your day. Seriously, I'm not kidding. You seldom see a guy as gentleman as him and you seldom see a guy who looks like a kid from the outside but very(indeed VERY...)Very(Let me just HIGHLIGHT the word again... VERY) mature inside. However, (well, human is not perfect right?) the thing is he always thinks about others too much and neglected himself...

PS: If he sees this, he'll kill me... XP

Anyway, after coming to college... I just missed my past... Missed my friends in secondary school, going through ups and downs together. Somehow, I know that one day if we meet again... I would not say much...

I would just say:" Long time no see..." and end it with a hug...

Meaningless=meaningful

At the end of the day, I just came up here to have a look at my blog... I wanted to give it a new look, but it seems just way too time consuming... Today is not really in a stable mood, I guess it is due to my monthly test results...

I work very hard on my business but ending up getting 33/64. Well, it sort of depress... Anyway.. Let's start the topic.

It is quite amazing how things work out sometimes... You'll get amazed and dumbfounded finding yourself coming out with some ideas out of nowhere... It works just the same with me at times.

Especially...

When I'm emo...

I tend to have some creativity in my when I'm not in a good mood. It just triggers some inspirations for me to start off with something I had set aside for a long time.

WHen it comes to life, it is just the same. For a teenager, or we call ourselves(which we thinks it is a better way to call ourselves) young adults, we often goes into conflicts with our emotions. When we meet problems, achievements, friendship, love, family, studies... Our mood tend to be a bit as I named it "swaying". Ya, it is in a sense true. Nowadays, many people say this:"See, emo again~!" "I'm emo~" Well... I know I shouldn't be saying this, but... What is the point?

Today, I got a full counsel from one of my friend. I was in total depress today when some moody and sadness and anger and fury and whatsoever mood arises in within me. He told me a lot... Saying that I shouldn't be saying that it's not worth it for him to be good, not worthy to be my friend, don't care much of what other things... ANd stuffs... Many stuffs.

But somehow, I felt better after talking to him. At least, I felt my meaningless life get a bit meaningful again. All this while, afraid of getting myself hurt... I locked myself in my own world. Not allowing anyone to come into my world. All this while, I've been denying what I can achieve and that made me a coward and I did not dare to move on. Thanks to him, I moved on.

He told me something that I would never forget... He says that at the end of the day, if I have any problem... Just remember that he'll be there for me...

He says that he'd always want me to achieve what I can achieve to my full capacity(business term, let's just call it 'full capability') and not A*A*A*...

He says that he wanted me to opt for my dream... To study in Cambridge University.

He says he wanted me to be just me...

SOmetimes some simple words, sentences can make a meaningless life turn into a totally meaningful one...

Meaningless( )Meaningful?

How to fill the blank? It all depends on how you look at things then...

At times, meaningless and meaningful... Is just a line, a border... It only depends on you whether you want to cross it or remain status quo...

Dedicated to those who are depress and hates their lives now... The world is still a nice place... (just for you info)

Love, does not always mean happily ever after...

Love, is a complicated game... Neither of us know that syllabus, neither of us know what is the next challenge... However, Love is pure.... It is a knowledge that we are compulsory to gain.... But some of us, just run away from it...

When we engaged ourselves in love... We need to have full preparation that it is not as wonderful as we think and it is not as in novels and fairy tales that the main characters will live happy ever after... In the process, we fall... And we need to learn how to stand up again... In the process, we got heartbreak, but we need to know that it is not all...

Love is about forgiveness between each other... Love is about the happiness that both individuals share among each other... Love is about the companion of the each other, holding each other's hand going through all the difficulties and sadness... Love is about communiction... Love is about the pain and growing up during the process... Love is about the bitter and sweet... Love is about sharing, not only the sweet and happiness but also the bitter and sadness...

However, things are not that simple when you really engage yourself in love, not yet a realationship... But LOVE... It will turned out to be a really complicated thing and you will lose control of it... somehow... Those who have been into love knows that it does not always end up in happy ending.... But ask youself, what is the real matter to you? Do you want happiness only, or do you want to share, to lighten each other's burden and to be tolerance? there are many question relating on this topic since old days...

Some people can run away for love... Some people can sacrifice for love,(e.g: romeo and Juliet... Which I think is way too over...) Some people can fight for love... Some people can be quiet for love... Some people can betray for love... Some people can do anything for love.... from this point of view, no one can deny that Love, is actually a powerful weapon...

But things never goes as you want in love... At down times, people would say... Let's just cool it off or let's just end it... But if LET GO and COOL IT OFF is that easy to say it to the other half... Well, you can just leave... Appreciate the love you had now in your life... Every people gives you different opinion and different things to learn... However, at times.... Letting go is just a way to love someone... It is sad to say that you need to let go of someone you love so much but if things just cannot go on... Or rather say, the other is feeling too hard to go on, at times we need to let go although we love him/her so much...

Love does not depend only on one side... It is a bilateral thing... If the other were to give up and you cannot do anything to help.... If the other were to give up and pleading for you to let go... Just let go... It may be hurt, it may be heartbreaking but sometimes it is a good way to make him/her happy... For me, I rather getting myself hurt rather than seeing him getting hurt...

Had in mind that LOVE is not about sacrificing, LOVE is about each other...
How each other feel, How each other trying hard to safe their love, How each other sacrificing a lot just to be together, How each other share their thoughts and feelings...
LOVE is something that cannot go on without trust... If you rather trust someone else than the one you loved, then love someone else instead...

Bare in mind that love is not all about happiness, and LOVE does not always lead to happy ending... But we can still live happily ever after if we make a change to ourselves by trusting the ones we love...